Here's how training went last week:
Tuesday: 11.5km run
Wednesday: 1 hour 15min Cycle Pump class
Thursday: 6.5km run
Friday: 1 hour 15min Cycle Pump class
Saturday: 23km long run
Sunday: 50 min spin class
Total distance ran: 41km
I don't know if I want to "be a runner" anymore.
It's not that I don't want to lace up my sneakers and pound out a few kilometres ever again. I just don't know if I want to be associated with a runner's club that I don't quite feel like I belong to.
I'm not sure why, but that membership now feel a bit fraudulent.
The truth is I don't really like running at least not in the way that I feel I should to dedicate so much time and energy to it.
You know things have shifted when you've described it as torture.
I have stopped feeling as accomplished as I used to and nowadays there is less and less to counteract the feelings of boredom and discomfort that come from the sport.
I ran my longest distance ever and had to force enthusiasm to get rid of feelings of inadequacy and disappointment that were generated by the thought that I should have done better, gone faster, pushed harder.
I felt like I let myself down. And I bawled my eyes out about it.
Then I got up this morning, looked at my schedule for the day and realized I was signed up for a 10:30am spin class. And I was ecstatic! I couldn't wait to get there and sweat my ass off for an hour. I literally craved the exhaustion and the burn and the feeling of satisfaction that I knew I would get once it was over.
It was everything I hoped for and more. I almost teared up in the middle of class because as I dug deep and felt that sweat literally dripping from my face I remembered that all those feelings of "not enough" were misguided. I will give it my all if it is in my heart and soul to do it. So what's the problem?
Running no longer equals passion for me.
One things I know is this; If, at the end of my life I were to measure the quality of the years gone by it would not be by the number of kilometres ran but the days spent smiling and truly happy.
So the question I struggle with remains. If running doesn't make me happy (and other things do) why do I bother to run?
Am I afraid to give up?
To be seen as a failure? By someone else? By myself?
I do not know.
I don't know what I thought that I would get to the end of this post and have the answers. It's not the sort of thing you truly figure out in the course of an hour, a day or maybe even a lifetime. Happiness is the constant, the cause is bound to change, grow and evolve.
I'm not sure what this means for the marathon. Odds are I will move ahead with the training and try to achieve my goal. That being said, I will not live in misery for a goal that, by the sheer fact that the path to get there became so bleak, will have lost it's meaning anyway.
To be continued.....
So tell me, do you have any advice? Is this burnout? Has something similar ever happened to you? If yes, what did you do?