Today was the first time in a long time that I didn't eat for the sake of eating. Because the clock said it was meal time. Because there was food within reach that might otherwise go to waste. Because I felt compelled to eat something (anything)
The sheer magnitude of what I have been dealing with for years hit me when, tears streaming down my cheeks, I likened the need to eat during these episodes to an alcoholic's need to drink. I went so far to suggest that I have watched people eat small portions of some of my trigger foods* and have wondered how it was possible for them to stop themselves, something that seemed so damn near impossible for me. It was that moment and the look on The Boyfriend's face (the witness to this particular revelation) that made me realize that this is, without a doubt, a problem.
I have run the gauntlet of emotions when it comes to this issue:
Anger, frustration and resentment (Why me?!?)
Shame and embarassment at the lack of control and the inability to put an end to it sooner
Fear that it would continue to spiral out of control
Hopeless that I will ever overcome it completely
Uncertain that anyone will understand and worried that people will judge me
Determined that I wouldn't let this battle get the best of me
I wish I could say that this was the post to announce that I have passed through the hardest parts and that I am on my way to recovery. Instead I am still on that journey, forging ahead with every day that goes by. The first step was realizing the problem and I have finally come to terms with this disorder, which is one that I do not suffer alone. And in realizing what I am up against and that I am not alone in this, I am on my way to getting better one day at a time.
I expect less than perfect days ahead. Polarizing days into good and bad is how I got here in the first place. So on those days where I slip up and binge I will remember that I can move on from it and still be well on my way to a better place physically, mentally and emotionally.
Currently I am working through the e-book Taking Action: 30 Specific Strategies for Overcoming Emotional Eating a resource that has proved helpful in my quest to better understand the issue. The next step is to commit to the resolution and to begin to take the steps necessary to get there.
This won't be the last post on the topic as there are a million ideas running through my mind with respects to my experiences with it. That being said I will leave it here for now. I'm legitimately hungry and if there is one thing I already understand it is that listening to my body's hunger cues is crucial to making compulsive eating a thing of the past.
Thank you for letting me share this with you.
*a particular food that will bring on a binge or be incorporated in a binge. For me it is typically crackers and chips or other snack-type foods
So tell me, is there anything about this post that resonates with you?